I’m currently sitting in the car on the way to a funeral, so I thought as I’m feeling the most nervous I’ve ever felt in a long time, I’d log what I’m thinking.
The reason I haven’t felt this scared in a long time is because I’ve never pushed myself to do things that would make me feel like this. Shaking knees, yawning all the time, feeling cold, sweaty palms, cold feet and just a the general unsettling feeling of anxiety that makes me feel sick.
When I think about where I’m going, a family infested environment, I wonder why I’m feeling so scared. I think about who I’m seeing and who I’ll have with me and my brain can’t comprehend why I’m feeling like I want to run and never stop. But then I have to look at the bigger picture. These are people I haven’t seen in about six years. I’m different now. Will it be a case of catch up? Which one am I out of the four girls my mum and dad had? How old am I now? What am I doing with my life? It’s a daunting thought. I’m not even sure if these things will come up. But the thought just scares me.
For the last few weeks, I’ve actually felt a bit embarrassed about myself. I am one of four girls, all who have achieved so much in the way of education and jobs. Even my younger sister has more qualifications than me. Though people have told me that this doesn’t matter, I can’t help but wonder if that’s how other people look at it. Am I worthless because I’m not as clever as my sisters?
I soon plucked up the courage to speak to my mum about this a few days ago. I told her why I was scared to face everyone, because I felt like I disappointment. These are people I haven’t seen in ages and are probably expecting me to have a job or be at uni by now. But instead I’m just doing voluntary work three days a week. Admittedly, my mum had to snap me out of the world where I had convinced myself that I was a rubbish human being. She told me that it didn’t matter about my qualifications because I had experience in the field of work I was aiming for. I have knowledge about birds that my sisters don’t have. I have experienced some awful scenarios with some beautiful animals and even helped them pull through and got them back out there. This is something I put myself down for. “I just help animals. That’s all.” But that’s not all. I help save lives, I give animals a second chance at life. And the more I think about it, the more I realise that it’s a privilege to be able to do these things. I’ve had to give myself confidence about the things I do and that they aren’t silly little things because everything I do has a purpose. Even if it’s just sitting at home for the day playing The Legend of Zelda. Because even doing this, it keeps me calm and let’s me zone out and allows me to feel relaxed.
Writing all this during my journey has actually calmed my nerves because I’ve been able to focus on something else other than the reasons that give me that sickening feeling in my stomach. I’ve been able to clear my mind and boost my confidence and reassure myself that even if I am asked questions about what I’m doing now, I can proudly say that I help wildlife and that I am happy.
Of course the reason I am to see my family isn’t because of something positive. But I like to think that even though it’s a sad loss to the family, he has brought us all together. And for this reason, I am pushing myself. I have prepared myself and I’ve got my family with me.
Just Another Neurotypical 