Since my last post, I’ve hit a rough patch. Probably my worst to date. And given that my anxiety is my toughest battle, I figured that, addressing the realism of it, might help to ease my mind and to make others aware of the fact that they’re not alone.
To begin with, I never really remember how it starts. I’ve analysed my situation (as I always do with everything) and I’ve come to the conclusion that it is change that has unsettled me. In my previous post 2018: What Am I Doing? I spoke about my recent challenges. The one being the toughest for me, has been losing the rescue. It has been the last 3 years of my life and having that change, scares the hell out of me. I was beginning to worry about what my future would become, and before I knew it, I had found myself in a deep hole.
I know that change is a problem for people who suffer from Aspergers, but I’m not that sure how many people actually find it a life changing difficulty. For myself, I always thought that since I had grown up, change had become something I could handle better than when I was younger. Taking down my posters and having a completely new room, was a huge step for me, but I enjoyed it. However, bigger changes seem to, without my knowledge of it, revert me back to being someone I thought I had grown out of. A change like this hasn’t actually happened for a very long time. And with that, I haven’t taken it too well.
Having to deal with anxiety on a daily basis, is something that I find incredibly exhausting, but over the years, my body has almost built a strength to it. I am better at handling it and I can still think in a reasonable way (one that doesn’t give me some kind of foot in mouth disease. Basically so I don’t say anything I’ll regret later). But in the recent days, my anxiety has elevated to an extreme. I am finding myself yawning from the constant nerves, I am feeling sick, leaving me unable to eat, and with all that, I am beginning to hate myself for it. And now I have found myself feeling low (I usually say low instead of depressed). The thing I hate most about feeling this way, is the constant crying. I’ll wake up, have a wave of anxiety, begin to wish that it would all go away, and then result to crying.
Getting low is something that comes quite often. As I’ve probably mentioned in a few other posts, I’ll have a good few months, then something will unsettle me and then I’ll find myself at a low point. After some time, I’ll eventually get back to my comfortable self and then it starts all over again. With anxiety combined with feeling low, it creates more of a vicious circle. The anxiety makes me more fearful of doing things and the low feelings, make me almost lazy. Its one of those things that feels like it will never end.
It has been a while since I feel like I have been this low. I have found myself sleeping in till noon, my room is a mess, I shamefully avoid showering because it feels like too much effort, I’ll cry at anything and I’ll avoid going out if I can. This is a strange living situation for me as in the past, I have been able to pull myself out of it. This time however, I have found my anxiety winning and the feeling of being low, taking me down with it. At the moment, the thought of going out terrifies me, but also, I’m feeling pretty unenthusiastic of the idea. Knowing it will do me good, I am still reluctant to make myself go out and overcome the anxiety and break through feeling low.
Anxiety and the future scares me too.
How will I remember to do my washing?
How will I remember to clean my room/ house?
Who will call the doctors for me?
How will I go places?
How will I even get a job?
These are the kind of things that pretty much haunt me on a daily basis. I worry if I’ll ever be able to make it without someone constantly supporting me like my family. Particularly my parents. It scares me because I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to become nothing because of my inability to cope all the time.
As there are many people who suffer with severe anxiety, they can probably relate on a similar level. And some may also agree that, it seems like a battle that can’t be won.
Hopefully one day, we can beat it.