2018: What Am I Doing?

I’ve not done a lot of writing lately, due to quite a few things happening, that have change my life quite drastically. Unfortunately, they haven’t been the most positive of changes.

Before Christmas, I had to face something that was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I broke up with my boyfriend.

Before you roll your eyes and sigh, thinking this is some sob story of how my heart is broken, take a moment to really think about how much of a change this is. Not just for me, but for anyone who has faced the hardships of a breakup. When I was younger, I used to think that anything to do with relationships and ‘love’, was way too mushy for me to even comprehend, however, as I have found myself actually becoming the mushy type, I’ve realised how painful breaking up with someone, is.

As someone who isn’t too comfortable with change, this is what scared me the most. I was vulnerable to the idea of having no one to comfort me when I was at my lowest, or even having someone to just talk to (that wasn’t my family). Though these things weren’t as apparent in my relationship as I would have liked them to be, the idea of them disappearing, was upsetting. And selfishly enough, I was upset about not being able to have someone to go out with. As in, go out into town or for a walk. As I have probably mentioned, I am unable to leave the house unaccompanied, so losing my only way of getting out (because now its embarrassing having to ask my mum if she can take me out), was hard for me to accept. Even though I wasn’t sure how things were going to pan out, I was instantly jumping to conclusions about how my life would spiral downhill, yet, I couldn’t face the idea of being in an unhappy relationship, just so I could go outside. It was a huge decision that I had to make, and all before Christmas too.

Strangely enough, we have been able to stay friends. Having the relationship be very much on a friendship base in the first place, it feels like nothing has really changed. And I have also been able to meet him at places which has been helping me in overcoming my anxiety of being outside, alone.

Near the start of 2018, I was actually given some bad news about the wildlife rescue, where I volunteer. Due to some personal circumstances that the charity owner was facing, she has had no choice but to close down. Fortunately, as a valued member of the team (not to toot my own horn), I have been asked to stay for as long as possible, to ensure that everything is okay during the process of closing.

This news was the biggest shock I could have gotten. After working at the rescue for 3 years, I relied on that place to keep me in check, to keep me busy and to keep me happy, all with the work of helping animals. I had found myself quietly accepting the fate of it all, until things recently started to kick in. My younger sister is soon 18 and hearing of all the things she will soon achieve (which I am also happy about), made me worry about how much of a failure I’d become. Once I lost the rescue, I felt like I was a nobody; someone who would waste away because there was nothing else I could cope with, and after spending so long contributing to saving so many animals, I was scared I was never going to be able to do it again. I knew that with no qualifications, and the inability to even get out, I knew I was going to lose touch of it all, and that soon began to eat away at me.

Though I am still terrified of what my life might become, I have managed to pull myself up and think rationally about this situation. As I am confident that I have enough experience, and the wildlife rescue’s previous owner is supporting me all the way, I am hopefully going to start up my own rescue. This is something that scared me at first, not knowing if I would be good enough to save young birds during the baby bird season, but as time has gone on and my passion for birds has grown, I am feeling very excited about it and can’t wait to get going.

3 thoughts on “2018: What Am I Doing?

  1. Oh my, what a lot to go through in such a short space of time. Far from easy but I’m really pleased to hear you’ve started making some plans again, and they sound like brilliant plans too.
    You are far from a failure, and I’m sure you are good enough. Wishing you all the best for this great new venture x

    Liked by 2 people

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