I never know what I’ve written about before in my blog, and even if I did, I’d probably find a way of writing about it again.
In this case, I don’t know.
What I’m referring to, is, my ‘low’ time.
As someone with aspergers, I can only tolerate the world for so long, eventually resulting in my brain exploding. I’ll be fine for as long as I feel I can cope, and then one day, bang!
It’s hard to really recognise when I’ve hit that point, other than noticing that my anxiety is suddenly elevated. At times, I’ll deal with it in a way where I acknowledge it, but refuse to let it get the better of me. I push myself to go and do things that I can cope with on a good day and I never let my mind wander onto things that could potentially make me feel worse. However, this time, after hitting that point of explosion, things just seemed to get worse.
Someone at work began to stress me out, making it less of an escape and more of a launch into hell. I was scared I was going to lose my happy place. Fortunately I successfully conquered my anxieties for this situation as I refused to give the rescue up, due to it being the only place I could be, independently.
I also has many thoughts of my relationship, seeping into every moment of the day. With this being one of the hardest things I’ve had to face, it has left me feeling empty.
And I haven’t felt empty since I stopped going to school.
Back then, I had reached a point where I had become a shell of myself. I had nothing to offer and nothing to give. And, almost like deja vu, I felt like that recently.
I had woken up at such an early time in the morning and dragged myself into the living room, where I sat and just played The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. I couldn’t even recall registering the gameplay. I just felt like I was watching myself from the outside, looking at how, almost lifeless, my body was. It was a strange sensation, and definitely an experience I dread to feel again.
Upon realising that my setback this time, is far more challenging than my last, I have continued to treat it in a similar way. I refused to stay in the living room all day, doing nothing, and I thankfully managed to snap myself out of the lifeless state I was in. I had pushed myself to get moving and begin working on the finishing touches of my aviary, and now, close to the end of the day, I feel less empty than I did before.