Today I wanted to write more about what its like to live with aspergers. For myself, I kind of class myself as ‘not so aspergers’, but only because those I know who are, or traits that are commonly known, don’t stand out with me; things like avoiding eye contact, not understanding how to converse, lack of empathy, or obsessions (although, ask me about games or my birds, and you may have trouble getting me to shut up).
I’ve recently been expressing to my mum that empathy is something that I’ve never really had trouble with. Even if it took me until I was 16 to understand why people cry at weddings, I definitely felt guilt. Probably without even understanding it. When I talk out loud about things that I felt or did when I was younger, it usually brings me to some kind of conclusion, regarding it, and in this case, I discovered that feeling guilt, makes me aware of what to say to people. And without sounding like I’m kissing my own butt here, I think that it makes me a kind person. I’d feel awful having made someone feel upset, so I try to be as kind as I can.
Even though I’ve mentioned that my aspergers traits aren’t very consuming, the reason behind my thinking and way of behaving, still revert back to it. My particular way of doing things is usually something I notice quite often. My morning routine when I am going to work (the rescue) is always the same and there are things I always have to do in a certain order. I’ve also picked up on the fact that I have a psychological germ radar. Sounds hilarious, right? I am constantly on the lookout for where people place their hands after they’ve touched something unhygienic or licked their fingers. I am particularly paranoid about raw chicken. I usually have to leave the room when my mum is preparing it because I overload myself with thoughts of the bacteria going everywhere, without thinking that my mum will clean up afterwards. Although these things make me feel uncomfortable at the time, I don’t necessarily see it as a problem. I’ll just live without chicken when I am no longer living at home.
Irritability is also something I know I struggle with. Particularly because I struggled with Red Mist Syndrome. I’ve been told I often have short fuse moments, with which everyone mostly just backs away from. This is something that I wasn’t actually aware of until recently. I found my rage burning the other day when I caught my sister wearing my top. Usually everyone knows who has what type of clothes in my family as we all have our own style, but in this case, it was a top from a selection of clothes that my older sister had given to myself and my younger sister. Even after months of owning the top, my mum still managed to give it to my sister by mistake, and with my younger sister not remembering that I had chosen this particular item for myself, she decided to wear it. I was NOT impressed. I immediately jumped at her, saying it was my top. She just replied, saying it was one that our older sister had given her, to which I snapped back, stating that I had chosen that one. During the third time of trying to tell her that it was mine, my voice was raised and I was trying very hard not to lash out. I haven’t felt the need to lash out in a very long time which is what made me notice my anger. And as childish as it was, I used her towel that day, to get back at her. Fortunately, we we’re able to laugh about it later.