I Feel a Change in my Life

Having it been a whole month since my last post, I figured that I should probably get back into writing again, as I do enjoy talking about pretty much anything.

I can definitely say though, that I have actually done quite a bit. In terms of facing my anxiety. Since my relapse which I last talked about, I feel that maybe it pushed me to achieve more, and to avoid being sucked into the void of depression. Having my mum also tell me that being busy was always better for me and sitting around, worrying about being worried, would always make things worse. Of course I’ve continued to go to the rescue as I promised myself that I would, no matter how hard things got for me and it definitely keeps me going and thinking positive. So actually despite having that relapse, I feel I’ve come out the other end much stronger.

One thing I have definitely noticed about myself, is my confidence. I feel much more relaxed around people in public, like I am less bothered about what others are thinking of me. I feel more free when I am out and even though I can’t quite make it out alone, I feel comfortable enough to wander around to where I want to, knowing I’ve got someone nearby. Mainly my boyfriend who is probably wandering around just as lemon-like, trying to find me.

Being comfortable enough to do this, and being aware of the fact that I can do it, has made me more open to doing things that I wouldn’t usually do. For example, last week, my boyfriend needed to go to the hospital and he asked if I could go with him, just to make him feel a bit more at ease, and even though I was really scared, I wanted to go for him and to prove to myself that I could do it. And it really wasn’t that scary at all. I felt really proud of myself for doing it and it opened up my eyes about doing things that would involve being in public or in busy places.

In the past, I never looked at a scary situation as a beneficial one. I only ever saw the difficulty in it and how it would mess with my head. The intimidating thoughts, being scared of getting anxious, fearful of the exhaustion that I would face at the end of the tunnel and knowing that my anxiety might possibly make me behave in weird ways (though I’ve been told I don’t act differently at all). But now, I feel that experiencing a scary situation, gives me confidence at the end. During the time of the situation, I’m obviously feeling quite vulnerable, but afterwards, I now feel a sense of achievement. I have taught myself to understand that I actually did it, and having found praising myself an extremely difficult thing to do in the past, this was a big deal for me when I began to notice that I was feeling confident after doing something scary.

Over the last four weeks, I have found myself feeling more and more proud of the way I take control of situations. I now feel more relaxed doing little things that I would avoid doing before. Noticing these changes has made me feel happier about making progress and I no longer feel like a sitting duck.

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