Coming from a family of busy people; those who work hard physically and those who work hard mentally, I have been constantly comparing myself to my sisters. For a long time, I felt they were better than me. They could make friends, go to social events, work, drive and most importantly, go out alone.
I’ve always been a jealous person, and having 3 sisters that can step outside alone, honestly makes me quite envious of their independence. For many years it has made me feel extremely small. I felt like I was silently compared to them all the time. When it came to my parents telling people how we’re all doing, it would be a case of 3 lovely stories, expressing how proud they are about 3 of their daughters, and then there would be me. “Oh she’s doing okay. She’s not up to much these days though.”
Of course, all this talk is probably in my head. Again, my jealousy taking over.
Up until recently actually, I realised that it isn’t such a huge deal that I’m not at college or university, or doing things that everyone considers an achievement, because what I’m doing may just be voluntary and may seem to some that I am a sitting duck, but where my efforts and responsibility lies, isn’t nowhere. It has an impact on animals that are helpless and deserve a second chance in life.
Telling myself that I am doing great things, and believing it, was a huge step in gaining self confidence. However, it hasn’t left me thinking that I’ve reached my progress limit. Though, I may currently feel like I am doing everything I am capable of, I still have the need to take on more challenges.
After remembering the feeling of boredom and the thirst for an achievement that drove me to start volunteering at the rescue, I knew this was the type of feeling that would almost eliminate my fears. However, on one occasion, I misread my confidence as this feeling and jumped straight into something, thinking I was ready, and then discovered later on, after having a setback, that I was actually just getting too cocky. Learning from this mistake has admittedly made me more anxious about taking further steps into the world of independence but because of this mistake, I have also been made aware that time is needed to make sure a step forward, is the right choice.
With the constant need to achieve on my mind, I am never without ideals of what my life could be one day, and I hope that it will eventually come true. I like to think I am a hard worker, even with the battles I face. Possibly making me stronger everyday. But for now, maybe even succeeding in small things at work or maybe just going to a shop counter on my own, I know that one day, I’ll be ready to go one step further and continue my journey from there.
Just Another Neurotypical 