It’s been a week since my last blog post and for some bloggers, a week between each post is normal, but for myself, I wanted to achieve writing every 2 days to keep people interested in what I have to say. But lately, I have been in my own little world. I noticed other aspies write when they are in their own little world but for me, I just get distracted from everything that I should be doing.
For example, I take home dirty towels from work to wash and recently, I haven’t been ‘with it’ enough to even remember to do them. Luckily my mum is helpful and supportive and was able to do them for me. And with my blog, I haven’t even been in the right mindset to think about it, hence it being almost a week since posting again.
When I’m not on top form, I find that I only think about doing things for myself which always leads me to playing games. This only aids my distraction as I forget time and eventually, hours have passed before I’ve even blinked. Being distracted a lot by games, makes my brain whirl with only thoughts of the game that I have solely dedicated my time to and I soon become obsessed if I’m not careful. At the moment I am playing Breath of the Wild and yes, I am obsessed. I bought a guide book for it and I probably play it until 1 in the morning, even with work the following day. This is my biggest distraction at the moment so anything else I should be doing, is at the back of my mind.
I have recently been made aware of how different my priorities are from other people. I have actually been called self-centred because I can only manage myself. At first, I was defensive about being called this because I always try and help others, listen to them and even give some advice and a bit of confidence when I can, so I couldn’t understand why I would be seen as someone who could only think of themselves. But as other situations have risen, I have noticed how hard I actually find it to think of other people when I am stressed out or just not my usual self. It’s almost like there’s a side of me that doesn’t allow me to be who I want to be. A kind, caring, funny person. Because once things start getting difficult, I become blunt, I forget how to understand some things and I become self-centred. I snap quite frequently too and even after a stressful day at work, I blame it on other people and make myself sound like a bitch. Which I know I’m not when I’m on good form.
I am also easily mislead. The people at work are lovely but I sometimes find that when something annoys my boss, I take it upon myself and begin acting like a horrible person. Seeing how someone reacts to certain situations has mislead me to believe that I should act in the same way. I think this is also due to my lack of social experience. Maybe I haven’t learnt enough to know how I want to act in certain situations, so I just copy others, thinking its acceptable.
Writing all this today has made me more aware of how these things can change me. I become less observant of the things going on around me because I can only focus on myself and I forget that not only games exist. Being able to write about these things gives me many moments where I feel I have discovered something new about myself and I feel that getting it off my chest, as well as explaining it to other people, is a huge confidence booster.