This isn’t exactly a topic I feel particularly comfortable with, but as it’s becoming more common than we’d like and I have unfortunately had some experience with it myself, I thought I would write about it.
The thing with self harming is, it doesn’t only mean cutting. It means anything that involves hurting yourself. I never really thought about this until recently, but I used to hurt myself right from the moment I struggled with Red Mist Syndrome. Before I used to lose complete control, I would bite my arm really hard. It would leave bruises and I am sadly left with a few scars. I would also frequently hit my head against the wall and hit my arm against the sink. I would mainly try and hurt my right arm so I could avoid going to school because I wouldn’t be able to write.
When I reached a stage in my life where I was no longer raging, self harming became more of a serious matter when I began cutting my wrist. It was only a few months before I told my mum about it, but it was the toughest few months I had ever faced.
The danger of it, was I wasn’t in control. Much like when I had red mist syndrome. I couldn’t recall what I was doing, and any damage I had caused for myself, I was unaware of until I was out of the trance-like state. It was just a way to release the anger and frustration. And as well as feeling relieved when I had let it out, I was also scared. I knew it was wrong and I knew it was dangerous, but it felt like it was the only thing I could do to release all the tension I had trouble with. Which is why it was only a few months before telling my mum what I was doing.
Unfortunately, I did have a relapse which has left me physically and mentally scarred for life. I am now reduced to tears thinking about that moment, and admittedly, I am struggling to write this. But as scary as it was, I am now aware of the dangers of it. I was scared of the stress it had under my family and the reaction my dad had when he saw what I had done, has left me distraught. After this particular incident, I have not harmed myself since.
However, suffering with depression has not made any future suicidal thoughts subside. It is very easy to fall into a pit and just not bother. Especially when (like myself) you can’t get out the house alone, have serious anxiety that it limits you from doing pretty much anything and sitting at home doing nothing is mostly more exciting than going out.
I always say how my life is like a roller coaster. For a few weeks, maybe even a few months, I’ll be at my best. I’ll still have problems, but I deal with them better. I don’t struggle with much anxiety when it comes to doing everyday things and I can wake up feeling happy. But after being at the top, I eventually fall. I’ll get low. My anxiety increases, I forget to do normal things like wash my clothes or clean my room and it sometimes gets to the point where I can’t even be bothered to shower.
These low moments I face, feed the suicidal thoughts. It suddenly makes more sense for me to just give up and not bother. I forget that I could have a life and be happy because all that is concerning me at that moment is “why bother?”
Luckily I have taught myself to spot when my anxiety is elevated, as this is usually the first sign, and tell myself to not let it win. Even when I am at my worst, I will still go to the rescue as it always keeps me in check and lets me forget my worries.
I am a great believer in keeping busy. When you have time to sit and worry, it is likely to get worse. You have time to wonder why there is any reason to try and from there, it just gets harder. But eventually, I found what made me happy, and now I can handle my depression better than before. Something I never thought I would be able do.