Women are supposedly more emotional than men and admittedly, I am. But when I was younger, I wasn’t. I was pretty much a cold-hearted person. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about anything, it was that I couldn’t really understand what it meant to be like that, what it meant to other people to react in a particular way or how it should even feel for myself. There have been situations when I was younger where I would be expected to at least feel something. Sadness and missing someone or something are two particular emotions that I struggled with. It’s not that I didn’t feel anything at all, it’s because I couldn’t understand what those emotions meant and therefore I couldn’t express it.
As I’m now older, I find it hard to look back on those days and think of how I really treated these situations. Did I just ignore it altogether or at least try and understand? But even after having a red mist syndrome moment, I would feel immense guilt. Something I never had trouble with feeling. Probably because I knew that what I had done was wrong and I knew I wasn’t in control during the process. And other times when my dad would go away for the weekend on a job, I just couldn’t understand the feeling of missing him. Even now I have some trouble. I kind of just carry on with my every-day routine. I don’t really recognise myself thinking about my dad and feeling like I miss him. It’s incredibly hard to decipher and explain.
However, with games and anime (yes, I am one of those girls), I get this hollow feeling that almost feels like a loss. Mainly during an ending. And game music always gives me ‘the feels’ as they say. I am a huge Tomb Raider and The Legend of Zelda fan (probably obsessed), so music and cut scenes from the games always gives me a strange feeling; mixed between a happy feeling and sadness. And admittedly I have gone as far as crying at a few endings.
As I have gotten older, I am more aware of my emotions. I laugh about how I have suddenly developed a heart, and as nice as it sounds, it’s hard to deal with the emotions that certain situations give me. Movies that involve a loss of a family member get to me more than they ever did before. Watching Saving Mr. Banks sent me into a ball and left me crying for ages because of the death of her father. And recently I watched The Good Karma Hospital which resulted in a lady passing away quite gracefully. The whole scene just reduced me to tears. These are things that never affected me when I was younger, because I just didn’t understand why it was sad.
Facing many new situations has given me a chance to encounter new emotions that I probably didn’t experience as a child. Being in a work environment has helped me face people who haven’t always been nice. I actually had a scenario where I was quite rudely told off about something (just to clarify, I hadn’t actually done anything wrong) and after I stood my ground, I had a rush of adrenaline and I burst into tears. I was able to stand up for myself but everything I felt during that moment caught me off guard.
Even though I am more aware of emotions compared to when I was younger, I always knew I struggled with jealousy after my little sister was born. I was no longer the baby of the family and apparently, I gave a look of major hatred and jealousy that no one had ever seen before. It’s still something I feel from time to time. Mainly when my younger sister is given sympathy or attention. With it not actually being the case, I feel as though I am not as important. I know I’m loved, but sometimes it’s just how I feel.
So with my knowledge and understanding about myself, forever growing, I feel that emotions are something I will always find difficult; reading the signs and expressions from other people and figuring out what it is that I am feeling. But I’m always willing to learn more in order to understand myself and other people.